


To Forget I'm Missing You

by Jerk_bitch



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Dean Winchester Loves Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester Misses Sam Winchester, Depression, Incest, M/M, Post-Break Up, Wincest - Freeform, slight destiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:00:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22903612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jerk_bitch/pseuds/Jerk_bitch
Summary: Dean is trying to drink away his feelings, he is hooking up with random people and doing everything he can to get through the day. Sam has left him and all he wants to do is forget.
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester
Kudos: 30





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, so this fic is actually inspired by this amazing wincest video on youtube. I literally have watched this video 5+ times a day since finding it, and it really inspired me so I thought I would write this fanfic based on it. Hope you enjoy. (Yes there will be another chapter to go with the part 2 video) 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_0hGuCfos0

Dean sat in the strip club watching the devil on stage dancing, he couldn’t help the look of surprise when the devil started making her way towards him. Dean knows he’s pretty but he also knows that lately he has had an aura of don’t come near. Dean smiles easily and is rewarded with the angel girl coming to join the devil. The girls kiss him and Dean is grateful for the distraction. Both girls are stunning and Dean could easily get them to come home with him, but just the thought of it sends his stomach rolling so he hightails it out of there.

Dean heads back to the bunker, he pulls a pie out of the fridge on his way to his room. He sits on his bed shoving the pie in a total of five minutes, of course this doesn’t sit well with the two bottles of jack that he has already consumed. Dean leans his overheated face against the cool lid of the toilet, breathing as deeply as he can trying to calm down so he can get cleaned up and pass the fuck out. He falls face forward onto his bed, and even with all the precautionary measures that he had taken that night, he still sees hazel eyes and a wide grin before the darkness takes him.

Dean heads to the first bar he sees after he finishes a surprisingly straight forward salt and burn, in a small town that he has never heard of before. He takes a shot before he even sits down on a bar stool because tonight all that is running through his mind is Sam. He can’t help but think back to all the ghosts they have wasted together and of course from there the thoughts just begin to spiral further and further down the rabbit hole. The smiles Sam would give him when Dean said something particularly smart, the sound of his laugh, or the pain in Dean’s chest when Sam just walked away. He downs his glass of whiskey and signals the bartender for another, he ends up trying his hand at the karaoke that they have in the corner. Some sad fucking song about missing someone, and after Dean just can’t stand being there anymore. He walks back to the motel and crashes in the bed, wasted enough that he falls asleep with no thoughts in his head at all.

When Dean gets back to the bunker the next day he just drops his bags on the floor by the stairs and grabs his box where he keeps all the pictures. He pulls out the one of him and Sam, he is laughing about some joke that he can’t remember and Sam is looking at him as though Dean is everything that happiness feels like. Dean feels the tears falling down his cheeks and just as suddenly as they arrived so does the deep seated rage. He throws the lamp off the table, grabbing the chair he just vacated and smashes it against the table behind him. Images are playing in his head, like the time Sam threw him up against a wall, the first time that they kissed.

_“Sam, no matter what it won’t bring them back,” Dean said barley even finishing the sentence before Sam has him slammed against the wall._  
_“Don’t you say that, not to me,” Sam says a catch in his voice. His chest is heaving and he is all up in Dean’s personal space, hands clutching at the collar of Dean’s shirt. Dean finds himself caught up in those hazel eyes and while he has known for a while that his feelings for Sammy were far more than brotherly, he has been able to push them so far deep inside himself that he forgets they exist sometimes. That seems impossible now with Sam so close sharing his breath and looking at Dean with fucking bedroom eyes. Sam leans in, almost completely except for a hairs breath, almost as if he expects Dean to pull away, giving his brother an out. But fuck Dean has wanted this for as long as he can remember wanting anyone in a physical way. Dean closes the distance between them and not even his wildest fantasies could have done justice to the pure bliss that is kissing Sam Winchester._

Dean jerks himself out of the memory, grabs a bottle of whiskey from the kitchen and sits down on a chair, drinking straight from the bottle. Sam still occupying all of his head, looking at him with those fucking puppy dog eyes that always had Dean trying to figure out a way to give him the entire world. Maybe if he had then he wouldn’t have left.

Dean would normally never stoop so low as to take pills, following them up with rum, but at this point he isn’t getting any sleep at all and the last thing he needs is to fuck up on a hunt and get himself killed. Even though the thought has some appeal, at least the memories plaguing him would stop. The pain that feels like a dull knife pushing it’s way all through his ribs would end. He knows that just sitting around drinking by himself at the bunker will just led to some poor ass decisions so he makes his way to the bar up the road, needing someone just for the night. He picks up a brunette named Lisa, and she looks like the kinda girl he would bring home to meet his parents, if they weren’t dead and he wasn’t in love with his little brother. She is fun for the night and Dean manages to get six hours of sleep which is a miracle in itself. He kisses her goodbye, but he feels nothing when he does so. His mind is still being haunted, and his heart aches so much that he is severely tempted to cut the worthless thing out of his chest if he wasn’t worried that Dean Winchester’s heart would end up on some kind of monster’s black market. He begins to pick up a myriad of women in all the cities that he goes to for different hunts, and for a little while it is helping. He manages to get some sleep, not die on the hunt, but Sam still has the real estate on his brain for every waking hour and at least half of the unconscious ones.

One particularly bad night, Dean gets into a fight at a bar with one of the bouncers, apparently hogging the karaoke machine is the worst offense he could make. Even though he is almost positive that he is one of the only people in the damn place that can hold a tune. He gets escorted out, and when he makes it back to his bedroom, there is a panic building underneath his skin. Dean is breaking out in a cold sweat, it feels as though there is something tight wrapping itself around his neck cutting off his air and all he can think is Sam. He wakes up the next morning feeling like he got tossed out ten storied building. He is on the floor and apparently still sweating, he slowly peels himself up and makes his way into the shower hoping that the hot water will at least warm up his skin. He knows already that there isn’t a thing on this earth anymore that could warm up his insides. He pours himself another class of whiskey when he gets out of the shower, picking up his phone for the first time in hours. The screen says that he has twelve messages fromSam and Dean deletes them before he can even be tempted to do otherwise. He doesn’t want to get his hopes up, knowing that whatever Sam had been calling about wouldn’t be what he wanted. Sam had walked away from them, from everything they shared.

Dean takes Castiel to a bar, letting his friend find something to pique his interest in the back rooms, and just the thought of innocent Cas trying to get with one of the girls has Dean cracking his first smile in who knows how long. He sits at the bar, people watching for a while. He pulls his phone out scrolling through his contacts but once he gets to the S he stops, finger hovering over the name Sam. He shakes himself and puts his phone back in his pocket, tossing back his drink and heading to the back to check on Cas. Which considering the fact that he is getting things thrown at him, Dean figures he has come in at a good time. The girl grabs a bouncer so Dean spins Cas and all but shoves him out the back entrance laughing at the pure ridiculousness of it all, weirdness aside Castiel is pretty hot. Dean throws an arm around Cas’s shoulders, leading him back to the impala, thinking that maybe the angel will still get lucky after all.

For all the posturing, Cas doesn’t seem at all surprised that when they get back Dean leads them directly back to his bedroom. They tumble into the bed and everything is a chaotic mess of lips, teeth, and clothes being all but torn off in the end. Dean shudders when he feels Cas licking his way down, down, down until he is licking Dean’s cock like a damn lollipop. He is surprisingly good for an almost 4 billion year old virgin. Maybe it’s all the stuff he learned from the baby-sister and the pizza man. Dean squeezes Cas’ shoulder, bringing him back up and kissing him, trying to get lost in it. He has his hand kneading into Cas’ ass, and feels a tube of lube being pushed into one of his hands. Dean gets with the program slicking up his fingers and starts prepping the angel. Dean would be worried that bedding a angel of the lord would be a first class ticket to hell if he hadn’t already been there. If he is being honest with himself that is all the last few months have felt like too. Castiel gets impatient pushing his fingers out of the way and lifting himself up onto Dean’s dick and when that tight heat wraps around the head, Dean finally feels a complete quiet in his head and he is able to just enjoy the night.

In the morning once Cas has left after an awkward see you later, Dean is in the bathroom getting cleaned up. He is stun when he sees himself in the mirror, the abject sorrow in his eyes, the flashes of Sam kissing him, smiling at something Dean says. It is enough to make Dean want to throw up, he had a smidgen of hope that last night would make today easier but with the sinking feeling in his gut he knows…. Dean punches the mirror. Body moving before he even has a chance to realize it. The really fucked up thing is he doesn’t even noticed the pain in his hand even though he can see the blood and glass sticking out of his knuckles. The pain spreading underneath his skin originating from his heart is enough to have him stumbling around, he barley manages to make it to the kitchen, swiping a bottle of jack before his legs give out. He can feel the sobs barley held back threatening to come out, he takes a long pull from the bottle trying to get it under control. The jack spreads throughout his body but it doesn’t even seem to faze him now and he can’t hold it back right now, he lets out the first sob and the sound is like the yell of a dying animal. Dean flinches but now that he has let it out there is no way to keep the rest from coming out. Dean lets himself sag all the way to the floor, cheek pressed against the cold tiles and sobs without restraint.

He doesn’t leave the bunker for the next week, he drinks every bottle of anything even resembling alcohol. He lays on his bed staring at the ceiling, thinking about when his biggest problem in the world was keeping the peace between Dad and Sam. He can’t help but think he would almost trade anything in the world to go back to that time, for his and Sammy’s relationship to just be platonic brothers. For Sam to still want to be around him. The pain of missing him is like an entire fucking ocean taking up residence in Dean’s body, when he drinks it feels like he is casting himself a line so he doesn’t drown. It never lasts for long enough though and when he does finally let the feeling wash over him, he thinks it will kill him.

Dean is pouring himself a scotch when movement behind him catches his eye, he stops with the glass almost to his mouth and turns around. Sam is standing in the doorway. Sam, Dean scratches himself subtly just to make sure that this is real. God knows that he’s dreamed this enough and it hurts and Dean can’t pick his jaw up off the floor. Sam is here, he is standing there looking at Dean with a judgmental glare his eyes flicking between the glass in Dean’s hands to the circles under his eyes. Dean is ready to throw the glass and burrow his way into Sam’s arms until he remembers why he left in the first place.

_“I can’t keep doing this Dean, I mean we are still brothers at the end of the day. What would we do if Bobby found out? Or any of the other hunters, I don’t think they would be very understanding. I can’t keep feeling like this, it’s like I am drowning and you’re the only life jacket around. It shouldn’t be like that Dean.”_

_Dean didn’t even respond to anything Sam said, he just watched him go, silent tears falling down his face._


	2. Is there Somewhere You Can Meet Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam is tired and he misses Dean but when he shows back up at the bunker will Dean even want him back?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the fic based on the part 2 video, I hope you guys enjoy I had a lot of fun writing it. 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjVHXawjuIc

“I’m sorry Dean, I know I hurt you.”

  
“Hurt me? Sam you fucking destroyed me.”

  
Sam just blinks at him, wetness gathering in his eyes. Dean downs his glass, practically throwing it down on the table, and stares at Sam. A big part of him just wants to be happy that Sam is in front of him, but he can’t just let Sam walk in and out of his life as he pleases. The pain every time he watches Sam walk away from everything they mean to each other fucking kills him. Every morning that he wakes up drawing breath is a surprise because the pain of losing Sam feels like he should have been dead a long time ago. Dean forces himself to walk out the door, grabbing a bag of essentials on his way to the impala. He speeds away like the devil himself is on his tail but really he just can’t trust that he won’t fall to his knees in front of Sam. He is still too raw on the inside that the thought of Sam seeing him so vulnerable is as nauseating as it is thrilling. For the first time in six months he finally feels alive.

***************  
Sam is still standing in the same spot his eyes fixed on where Dean had been. He barley manages to make it to the trash before he is hurling up everything that he has consumed in the last twenty four hours, which to be fair isn’t much. He holds his forehead against the cold steel and takes a few deep breaths before making himself stand up. The temptation to just sit in Dean’s room and wait for him is almost overwhelming. But, it wouldn’t be fair especially since Sam was the one who walked away to begin with, and he can’t just expect to be forgiven right off the bat. Dean will need some more time to come to terms with everything that has happened and even though it kills him to do it, Sam leaves the bunker and heads back to where he left Ruby.

********  
Dean comes home the next morning smelling like whiskey and cheap women, he peaks his head in Sammy’s room. When he realizes that his little brother is nowhere to be found, it is like a sucker punch to his gut. For some reason he really thought that Sam would stick around and he had all been ready to have a screaming match about everything, he thought after they could at least go back to being brothers if nothing else. Instead he finds himself a bottle of Jack, sits down at a table and drinks straight from the neck. Seeing Sam has seemed to only make the pain worse.

**********  
Sam is hunting a little bit again, it has always been weird whenever he has had solo hunts without Dean, but this is different. It feels as though this is something he will have to get use to because Dean hasn’t called. Sam doesn’t want to be rejected again but it almost seems worth it at this point if he could just hear Dean’s voice. He is storing his duffel back in the trunk of the old Chevy he jacked and sees a bit of paper sticking out from under the trunk liner. He pulls it out and somehow is not at all surprised that it is a picture of him and Dean. It’s a wonder that no one ever realized they were together with the way Sam was always looking at Dean. Sam would have swore that Dean hung the moon and the stars just so he wouldn’t be afraid of the dark. A wet spot appears on the picture and it takes Sam longer than it should to realize that he’s crying.

********  
Dean is holed up in a motel room, another hunt done, another monster killed, and another person saved. Dean feels fucking miserable though, there is no heat in the room and all he can think about is how whenever this would happen to him and Sam….

“Sam, I’m cold,” Dean whines looking at his little brother with the most pathetic expression that Sam can’t help but chuckle.

“I’ll be there in a minute, you might as well take off your clothes.” Dean raises his eyebrows.

“You’ll have to take me out to dinner first, I am just not that kind of girl Sammy.”

“It will make it easier to share body heat if we don’t have clothes between us, that’s why when you get hypothermia you have to take your clothes off.” Sam finally turns around from putting the salt lines on the windows and feels all the moisture from his mouth completely dry up. Dean is stripped down to nothing but his socks which he is currently balancing on one foot trying to get off. Anyone else doing this would look like a complete idiot but Dean looks like something straight from a dream. A being so beautiful that there is no way he can possibly be real. Sam has learned his old brother in ways that no one else ever will and yet every time he sees Dean he still feels the same awe as he did the first time. Dean has finally managed to get his socks off and is burrowing under the covers with a self satisfied smirk. It quickly dissolves once he realizes that Sam has not taken off a single stitch.

“Come on Sammy, I don’t want to freeze to death.”

Sam undresses in record time, burrows his face into his chest the moment he is under the covers and Sam wraps his large arms around him. They both squeeze each other as tight as they can, Dean groans in relief when he feels warmth returning slowly to his body. Sam grinds his erection against Dean’s and then he is groaning for a different reason. Soon both of them are so warm, they almost consider taking the blankets off to cool down, almost.

********  
It has been three months when Sam decides that he can’t take it anymore, the pain is clawing at him everyday. He takes out his phone and hits the number one on his speed dial. Dean picks up on the third ring, voice husky from sleep. Sam doesn’t even bother with saying hello, he just blurts out, “I miss you so much,” he can feel Ruby’s eyes on him in the background wondering who he could be saying things like that to. He can’t bring himself to care, nothing else exists for him but the husky voice on the other end of the phone.

“Bye Sam,” there is a click and then nothing but silence. Sam closes his eyes, phone still raised to ear as if that will bring Dean’s voice back. Sam can feel the last little piece of hope he has inside shrivel and die.

********  
Dean tries to go back to sleep after he hangs up on Sam but his mind is racing and he knows that if he doesn’t do something and fast he is just going to end up dead sooner rather than later. He gets dressed and fingers the keys of the impala considering, then decides that he can’t stay away anymore. Sam is all that he has ever wanted and there is no way that he can just ignore the brokenness in Sam’s voice. Dean drives faster than he has ever dared to before, he needs to be with Sam now.

*******  
If Ruby is surprised that Sam is finally trying to get her bra off and get her into bed, well she doesn’t show it. Things are beginning to get hot and heavy, when there is a sudden pounding at the door. Sam groans and tries to keep her on the bed with him but Ruby has a slight idea of who might be behind that door and well she is sick to death of their annoying song and dance. She opens the door and there is Dean Winchester standing in all his glory, his eyes run over her as though she is as unsubstantial as smoke. She feels Sam’s presence behind her and the way Dean’s eyes brighten at the sight of him. They move towards each other, grabbing on as though it is the only thing that can keep them together. It takes them a moment before they break away and glance at her again, “I’ll just go.”

“Yeah, okay,” Sam says this with obvious eagerness for her to get out and leave him alone with Dean. She has to hold back at chuckle at the sight of the two idiots finally together again.

********  
Dean walks over to the bed where Sam is sitting looking at him like he is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. It is almost enough to take out the sting of the pink push-up bra laying on the ground. “Really?” he asks holding it up with one finger. Sam looks away, a slight color coming onto his cheeks.

“Nothing ended up happening, I just needed to forget for awhile.”

“Forget what?” Dean asks.

“That you didn’t want me anymore.” Sam says, eyes beginning to brim with tears. Dean sits next to him and takes his hand, ignoring the pulse of energy he feels when their hands connect. He might hate talking about feelings more than anything else but even he realizes that this is something that needs to be said.

“I have always wanted you Sammy, even before I knew what that truly meant. You were the ones with the doubts, remember.”

“I know, I think I just got scared. We have been wrapped up in each other our entire lives and when I realized that I was in love with you and you loved me back… it almost in a way seemed to good to be true. Like I had been handed everything I had ever wanted on a silver platter, and with the way our lives have been, I didn’t trust it. I thought the only way that I could keep from getting hurt was to break it myself. I didn’t mean to hurt you Dean, I love you.”

Dean’s eyes had spilled over during Sam’s speech and he didn’t even bother reaching up a hand to wipe at them. “I love you too Sammy,” Dean says. Sam opens his mouth to say something else but Dean interrupts, “Oh fuck this,” and pulls him forward. They crash into each other with a force so strong it almost feels as though they could shake the earth. One of them knocks over a lamp, but it doesn’t even register to them. Dean is far to caught up in the taste of Sam’s lips, his hands are pulling at his shirt pulling it off his brother and marveling at his broad shoulder frame. Sam’s eyes are closed as Dean’s lips trace his chest, they snap open though when Dean kneels in front of him, fingers slipping into his waist band lightly brushing against his cock.

“Dean,” Sam whines. Dean gives him his cocky grin and Sam barley has time to make sure his knees don’t give out before he has his pants all the way down and his cock is deep in his brother’s mouth. Sam screams as Dean digs his fingernails into his thigh, and starts moving his head up and down. Dean can’t believe how big Sam is, and just thinking about it causes him to moan around Sam’s cock.

“God dammit Dean, you fucking look like you were made to do this,” Sam’s hands have found their way into Dean’s hair, a little longer than he normally wears it. He is beyond grateful that he didn’t cut it now cause the feel of Sam’s big hands pulling at it, has Dean so turned on that he slips a hand down into his pants, moaning again when his hand finally wraps around his dick. He only gets a stroke or two in before he is pulled roughly to his feet and thrown onto the bed. Sam is looking at him with eyes so dark that Dean would have been thinking demon if he didn’t know any better.

“You are mine, no touching yourself until I say,” Sam’s voice has gone down an extra octave and Dean shudders to hear it. Sam grabs some lube from the bedside table and kneels on the bed in between Dean’s legs. He leans down and gives Dean a kiss so hot that his cock is leaking by the end of it. Sam scoots farther down the bed and licks at the head of his cock, lapping up the precome gather there, tongue pressing into the slit. Dean is basically mewling at this point and could almost cry out in relief when he feels the first of Sammy’s fingers sink into him. It’s not long before he is fucking back on three fingers and begging Sam.

“Just fuck me already, please little brother.” Sam’s eyes flash at those words and before Dean can even blink his brother has his legs up on his shoulders and the head of his cock pressing against Dean’s entrance. He doesn’t press in just yet and Dean has had enough. He pushes his body against the cock at his entrance groaning when the head finally slips in.

“God damn Dean, I missed you so much,” Sam says as he pushes all the way in. He stills as he lets Dean adjust but when he feels his brother wiggling trying to make him move, well he just can’t hold back anymore. Sam pulls out almost completely before thrusting back in, slightly angling trying to find that spot that he knows makes Dean see fireworks.

“Sam,” Dean yelps and he grins. Dean is pushing up to meet his every thrust and Sam is slowly losing his mind, the tight heat of his brother is squeezing him welcoming him home. He knows he isn’t going to last much longer.

“Touch yourself big brother, I want to see you come.” Dean moans low and quickly complies, wrapping a hand around his dick that is so hard it looks red.

Dean gets in about five strokes before he is coming, “Sammy,” he screams so loud it is a wonder that none of the neighbors come pounding on the door.

Sam comes a moment later, thrusting deep into Dean one more time, “Dee,” he moans quietly. His arms finally give out and Dean’s legs fall from around his shoulders onto the bed. He lays himself down on Dean’s chest, his cock softening until it slips out of him. They stay that way even though it is going to be gross in the morning. Dean grabs a shirt from the floor, cleans them up as best he can and pulls the blankets up over them. His hand finds its way into Sam’s hair and they fall asleep like that.

*******

Dean wakes up first in the morning, the sun is coming in through the windows and he looks over at Sam, who moves his head slightly before settling back down. He is so breathtakingly beautiful that Dean can’t help the soft smile that comes over his lips. He knows they have a lot more fights coming their way and it will never be perfect between them. But they are so in love with each other that he doesn’t think it will really matter at the end of the day. He runs his fingers through Sammy’s hair, relishing the feel on his fingers. His eyes have slipped closed just basking in the warmth spreading throughout his whole body knowing that he has his home back. He doesn’t even notice that Sam has woken up until he hears, “Dean?”

“Yeah Sammy?” He asks meeting those hazel eyes.

“Can we go home?” Dean pulls him towards him kissing him soundly.

“We can go back to the bunker after a shower, but Sam in a way we kinda already are home.”

“I know Dee,” Sam says with a soft smile before he leans in and whispers against his ear, “But I meant moving into one room together when we get back, I never want to lose us again.” Dean’s heart feels like it is going to beat out of his chest.

“You never will, we are going to always be together I promise. Let’s make it your room, it has the better bed.” Sam smiles leaning in and they kiss, it’s soft full of sweet promises. They go home and no matter where a hunt takes them they always have that sense of belonging with them. They found it in each other and even if the world could never understand, theirs was a love so true it would flip the whole world upside down.


End file.
